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May 6, 2015

Letting go.(Not the frozen addition)

I have numerous fears. A lot of irrational fears. Especially since having Hudson.
I guess they can be called "Mommy Fears"
The other fears consist of dying, the death of a close one, and roaches.
I am pretty sure that I have already discussed fears before. I am too lazy to go back.
I realized the other day, I have another fear.
The fear of being Hungry.
I went to a Bariatric Counselor last week. We discussed my bariatric diet, well lack there of.
During this conversation she gave me a list of things that I should eat.
And that I should eat 5-6 times a day.
I asked, "What if I'm still hungry?"
She gave me a look and said, "And? What if you are, what is it to be hungry?"
For a fat person? Everything. It's like a painful emptiness.
Empty.
Then she told me the worst possible thing.
"You do not eat to satisfy hunger, you eat for nutrition."
Yeah, I know. Crazy thing I have ever heard too.
For 24 years, I have eaten to satisfy everything and anything.
I eat to satisfy hunger. I eat to satisfy anger, sadness, happiness, loneliness.. really all the ness'.


31 GIFs That Perfectly Express Your Feelings About Food






That news to me, is devastating.
I don't know how to eat for nutrition.
One part of my brain knows how, the other doesn't
Why can't they just be friends?
I know how to eat to satisfy the hunger.
In fact, I go one step further. I eat to over fill.


31 GIFs That Perfectly Express Your Feelings About Food




Why? I wish I knew. I wish I knew why.
And more than anything, I wish that I could change it over night.
I truly believe that food addiction is the worst addiction.
You need food to survive.
I love food. Next to my family and friends, food is my favorite.
Its my hobby.
Crafting and eating.

I want to know how to eat for nutrition. I need the push. I need to try.
I need to try for me and for my son.
I will try.
I want the feelings and drive I had last year.
Every day is a new day. Lets begin again.
I am letting go. Starting now.

And I'm closing it.

And on that note, I bid you adieu.  
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