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Aug 13, 2015

Getting over that hill.

The same ole' song and dance. Losing weight is hard. Always. No matter how you look at it.
"Just do it."
Oh okay, well since you put it that way, that makes it easy, right?
Its easier said than done.
You know that.
When you've never struggled with a food addiction, you don't know how hard it is. I wish that I could just pull up my big girl panties and deal with it.
But, the reality of it all, what is the reality? 
That I have to completely change the way that I have lived for 24 years. Yes, I've done it before. But, when you stop, its so much harder to get going again. Just like with running up a hill. You push through it, but if you stop, its so much hard to get started again.
I fell down to the bottom. The bottom of the longest steepest hill imaginable. 24 years of "learning" whether it was the right way to learn, or the wrong, its still hard to teach an old dog new tricks. When you've walked the same path all this time, taking a different turn isn't something you can "just do". My path is safe, figuratively. Not the healthiest, but it is my safe place.
I don't like to try new things. I have pallet that of a toddler. I hate veggies and fruits. I could eat Chik-fil-a every day of my life. And there are weeks that I have. Some days I get the healthy bug, but then I just go through a drive thru, like I completely forgot that I am supposed to be eating healthy. Its the norm. I have to break the norm. How do you do that? I feel like I have tried everything. Hell, I even tried surgery. And that failed. When you constantly fail at everything you do to change yourself, how do you fix it? I know what needs to be done, I know how to eat, I know what to eat. But I haven't the faintest clue on how to start again. I want to just get it together. I want to get my whole life together. It starts with me. I want to get over this hill. I want to do everything I can to become healthy. But, do I? I love myself, but I hate my body. I want to be able to be walk through a crowd and not rub up on someone with my belly. I want to not feel disgusting. I want to try again. For the millionth time, I want to try again. And to keep it going. I want to find the strength and willpower. How do you find it when you feel like you've never had it?
You, "Just do it".
And on that note, I bid you adieu.
  photo kaela_zpse4648d85.png

May 6, 2015

Letting go.(Not the frozen addition)

I have numerous fears. A lot of irrational fears. Especially since having Hudson.
I guess they can be called "Mommy Fears"
The other fears consist of dying, the death of a close one, and roaches.
I am pretty sure that I have already discussed fears before. I am too lazy to go back.
I realized the other day, I have another fear.
The fear of being Hungry.
I went to a Bariatric Counselor last week. We discussed my bariatric diet, well lack there of.
During this conversation she gave me a list of things that I should eat.
And that I should eat 5-6 times a day.
I asked, "What if I'm still hungry?"
She gave me a look and said, "And? What if you are, what is it to be hungry?"
For a fat person? Everything. It's like a painful emptiness.
Empty.
Then she told me the worst possible thing.
"You do not eat to satisfy hunger, you eat for nutrition."
Yeah, I know. Crazy thing I have ever heard too.
For 24 years, I have eaten to satisfy everything and anything.
I eat to satisfy hunger. I eat to satisfy anger, sadness, happiness, loneliness.. really all the ness'.


31 GIFs That Perfectly Express Your Feelings About Food






That news to me, is devastating.
I don't know how to eat for nutrition.
One part of my brain knows how, the other doesn't
Why can't they just be friends?
I know how to eat to satisfy the hunger.
In fact, I go one step further. I eat to over fill.


31 GIFs That Perfectly Express Your Feelings About Food




Why? I wish I knew. I wish I knew why.
And more than anything, I wish that I could change it over night.
I truly believe that food addiction is the worst addiction.
You need food to survive.
I love food. Next to my family and friends, food is my favorite.
Its my hobby.
Crafting and eating.

I want to know how to eat for nutrition. I need the push. I need to try.
I need to try for me and for my son.
I will try.
I want the feelings and drive I had last year.
Every day is a new day. Lets begin again.
I am letting go. Starting now.

And I'm closing it.

And on that note, I bid you adieu.  
 photo kaela_zpse4648d85.png