I had an extremely eventful weekend.
May 21, 2014
Everyone knows what today is, BUT I chose to opt out. No, I didn't gain. I have just been bloated for the past week. I am giving myself permission to opt out of one weigh-in per month. I think you ladies can agree with that one. I have set my alarm for 5 am for the past two days. I am wanting to do 2-a-days. I have yet to be successful. But setting my alarm is the first step, right?? I plan on doing it again tonight. And going to bed even earlier than last night. It comes to the point to where I just need to MAKE myself get up. A wise young lady once told me to put my Big girl panties on. I am going to do just that. Aubrey @ ALG Uninterrupted always says to trust the process. I need to start listening to her. Afterall, these women kick some serious ass, so they kinda know what they are talking about.
I have been on a pity party for about a week now. I need to get over it. I WILL get over it. Y'all all want progress, and obviously so do I. So, I plan on giving you some. Because, I'm just a giver like that. :)
Oh, in exactly 16 days, it will be my BIRTHDAY!!
I know, I know, best day of everyones life. You're welcome.
Oddly like every dance gif out there is T-swift..
Anyways, I will be 23. I imagined myself in a much different place at this age. Life doesn't go quite like we planned. And thats okay sometimes. When I was little, I wasn't like most kids. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don't know what I want to be. I see people I graduated with, already graduating College, a lot of them with their bachelors. One of my very best friends is almost done with her Masters. That's so insane! And I'm still trying to find me. I think one of the harshest things about growing up, is letting go of the life you've planned and excepting the life that is meant for you. I still get all depressed when I think about the fact that I have been graduated for 5 whole years now, and haven't accomplished anything academic wise. I am still in school, five years later. Mostly goofing off. But, I have a great job. My mom doesn't support me. I pay my bills. I own my car. Bleh. All of these things sound just AWFUL. Being an adult sucks. I have worked since I turned 16. Everything I have, I've earned. I am SUPER proud of that. Sometimes I struggle. Actually lets be honest, most of the time I struggle. But, I feel like it makes me appreciate things more. If everything had been handed to me when I was younger, I don't think I would be the same person I am today. I don't expect anything from anyone. I can be a brat. BUT, who isn't sometimes. I feel like I was raised the right way. I don't take things for granted. I may throw a little tantrum if I don't get what I want, but it only lasts for a minute.
And on that note, I must bid you adieu.
May 19, 2014
There are days when I think that I feel like my goals are absolutely unattainable. There are days that its so bad, that I think, What's the point? Most of the time I convince myself that I am right. Every day is a struggle. Every. Freaking. Day. I don't ever imagine myself at my goal. Most of the time I look at the flat tummies and think, "Well, I will never look like that, so what IS the point?" And in reality, I won't ever look like that. I will have my loose skin. I will have stretchmarks. I question whether I will ever be comfortable in my own skin. I remember a time where I was, not too long ago. But, I forget that feeling. I forget how happy I was with my body. That it kept changing. I feel for every step forward, I take 5 steps backward. I hate that I can't get my shit under control. A huge factor that makes me think this, is because of how low my belly is. I can lose weight under the boobs ALL day long. But my lower belly doesn't budge. I HATE it, it makes me hate myself sometimes. When I was at my lowest weight, I was only 2 sizes smaller in pants. At an 70-80 lbs loss. Most people, when they lose that much weight, they lose about 4 sizes. I could wear an XL comfortably. I can still where an XL, just not AS loose. It would fit loose at the top, and just right on my belly. It's embarrassing. Not only for how it looks, but that I let myself get to this point. What in our lives goes so wrong that you just keep digging that hole? Until you're stuffed so tightly, that you can't move. You either slowly wiggle your way out, or you continue to bury yourself. Lately I have been feeling that the dirt is up to my mouth. Like I am suffocating. I'm suffocating with all of my negative thoughts towards myself. Suffocating with all of the stresses that come with it. I have felt emotionally defeated this past week. The littlest things have set me off into a crying fest. I am so tired of being dependent on food. I am so tired of letting food defeat me. It's like I get lost, and I don't know how to find my way back. And then when I do, I feel like I've strayed too far off path. And ugh, theres that hole again.
I know that it is possible to lose weight. I see it every day. I see it in such inspiring people. The crazy thing is, I've done it. But, I had a crutch. Of course, it wasn't mentally easy. But the weight fell off. Now that it doesn't, it messes with me. I want it more than anything. But then again, why don't I DO it. I am the only person that is stopping myself. I am the only one who can make my ass move. So, why? Why am I not moving my ass? Why am I not pushing through those cravings. It's not the end of the world if I don't get a piece of chocolate. So why do I FEEL like it is? WHY WHY WHY?
I have wasted many second chances. WAYYYY too many. It's starts with today, and it starts with me. I need to push with everything in me.
I need to remind myself every day, what I want the most. There is nothing to be afraid of. I will get there, I will push through all of my own negativity.
May 14, 2014
So, over the weekend, I indulged in whatever the hell I wanted. And it came at a price.
A Whopping 7 lb price.
There are seven days in a week, there shouldn't be seven lbs to be gained in a weekends time.
I will say, I think most of that was salts and cokes. There isn't an excuse for it, except that it was freaking Delicious.
My DietBet started Monday. I always made goals this week. And I have stuck by them. I have drank at least a gallon of water each day. Which brings me to my next point.
That beautiful beautiful water helped me drop 6 lbs.
"It's just water weight"
Well, negative Nancy, it's STILL weight.
So I am 265! Only one lb more than last week. I will take it. No complaints what-so-ever.
I changed my goal weight to 199. Just because my blog BFF, Jasmine @ Fleurty and Fit, Wrote a wonderful blog about 80's. She hit that 189 mark, get it? Well being a 90's baby, I want to do that. I think it's such a fun idea. Go check it out, HERE.
So, I now have 66 more lbs to go. It's gonna happen.
However long it takes, it'll happen.
This week I am feeling so sluggish. I don't know what it is. I have a lot of emotions going through me. I am letting words of certain people affect me, when I shouldn't. I am letting a lot of hate build up. Which weighs me down tremendously. It's not so easy to walk away when you kinda... can't. All I can do is focus on our happiness. And do everything I can to keep us there.
I have some ideas that I want to mess with. I think that will be my weekend. There are alot of things that I want to do. Most of it involving crafting.
Also, there is a big surprise coming. No one knows about. Except for like 2 people. Everyone will know on Friday.
May 12, 2014
So, real talk. My weekend gave me some poundage. I lost all control. If it was food, I ate it. I made food my freakin' bitch this weekend.
Gah, why is food so good? It's seriously all a blur. I couldn't tell you what I ate. I know there was some nachos and some cookie cake.
DietBet starts TODAY. $225 in the pot! There's some motivation!
I got the cutest lunch box. I am going to start bringing my lunch this week. I have set small goals.
1. Drink AT LEAST a gallon of water a day.
2. Stick with my 1200-1400 Calorie intake.
3. Workout 4-5 times a week.
4. No Sweet tea. I hate empty calories. I feel like that is where I pack on a lot of my weight.
This is legit. "Kaela, what do you want to do today?" "Uhmmm Eat?"
If only losing weight was as easy as gaining it. It seems like everything revolves around food. FOOD FOOD FOOD. Every holiday. Any get together. You can't even go to the movies without food. I know that it's up to me to choose the better choice. It's just so hard when this bitch is over here eating cheese fries, and I'm all like, uhh chicken and broccoli please. ( You know who you are ;) )
It all stems back to willpower and self control. Which I am HIGHLY lacking in.
Food is the devil. If I could live off of protein shakes, I would. But, I hate them, and liquid never gets me full. Or at least, I make myself think that.
Just have to get on the ball. I am hoping I can make a purchase on Friday that will give me a little push! We shall see.
And on that note, I must bid you adieu.
May 8, 2014
There have been times where I have just been rock bottom sad. Where I think the world is over, I can't go on any longer. Yada Yada Yada. There has NEVER been a time, where I have put my hurt and my misery onto someone else.
1.) Why feel the need to bring others down? Just because you are a miserable basket case, doesn't mean everyone around you would like to join you.
2.) Others people's happiness actually makes me happy. Crazy right?
3.) Being miserable with yourself, is most likely YOUR fault. Don't punish everyone else around you.
One thing that REALLY bothers me, is when someone questions my character. If you haven't taken the time to get to know me, then don't take the time to ASSume. I guess I expected people I don't know to be negative towards my blog, not people that surround me.
But, it is MY blog. MY thoughts.
And on that note, I must bid you adieu.
May 7, 2014
Tada. Today is, yet again,
Like last week, I have gone no where. But hey, as long as I don't gain, I am not going to beat myself up about it. The DietBet starts next week, so I am definitely going to kick it into high gear.
Everyone join!!! It'll be fun! There is $50 in pot so far. We need more!!!
64 more pounds. 64 more pounds and I get to decide what I want to do. This thought has been weighing on my mind the past couple of days. As you know, once I hit the 200 lb mark, I am able to have skin removal surgery. After the surgery, I have to wait at least a year to have a baby. I don't know how long it will take me to lose 64 more lbs. And I certainly don't know if we will be ready to have a baby. Just thinking outloud. (Don't freak out family). I am trying to decide what I want more in life. A flat tummy, for a year, or a family and then a flat tummy. I guess it really just all depends on how things turn out. Only time will tell.
For some reason, my ankle is KILLING me. It started Monday night, and has gotten worse sense. I didn't do anything to it. So, who knows..
Jasmine @ Fleurty and Fit and I are putting together a giveaway. It is still in the works, but it will be super cute.
The awesome Jenn from Fat Chick to Fit Chick Nominated me for the Liebster Award.
She is just amazing, y'all. She hit her 100 lb weight loss mark, and just ran a half marathon. It's safe to say she's an all around badass.
I posted about the Liebster award HERE.
Since I nominated people, I assume I don't have to do it again?
ANYWHO, here are the questions Jenn gave me.
If I had no family, no ties to anything, I would move to Ireland. But, being away from my family is not an option. Dayton always brings up moving to another state, can't do it. PLUS, it's Texas. Home, home on the range?
What is your favorite meal to cook (or eat at a restaurant)?
Yucatan Taco Stand Nachos. If you haven't had them, go. RIGHT now. It's in downtown Fort Worth off Magnolia. The nachos are enough to feed a family of 5. No joke.
What is one thing you want to learn how to do?
I want to learn how to sew, well. I know, how, it's just not very pretty.
What is your favorite piece of clothing?
Any maxi dress. I love dresses. They like to accent my anti-gravity belly, But they are just so comfy.
If you could go back and change one thing from your past, would you? (Life might be different if you do.)
Absolutely not. A few blogs ago, I shared some personal information. (HERE) A lot of people would probably change that. I wouldn't. It has made me into the person I am. It has placed the exact people I need in my life. I couldn't imagine my life any different. I am not willing to change my whole world for a person who wasn't willing to change theirs
If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Shrinking ability. So I can shrink this belly!
Your ideal day is?
May 5, 2014
It's Monday, I'm sure there are very few people in this world that are excited about that.. The ONLY thing even remotely excited about today, Cinco De Mayo. And I don't drink, so yes, I am excited about the food.
Every couple of months, I go through phases. Where absolutely nothing sounds good to me. So I eat junk, and that doesn't even taste good. So why do I do it? Its honestly like I black out. I forget that I am changing my eating habits, I forget that I hate myself afterwards. I only remember how gross the food actually is when I am running to the bathroom. I just don't get it. I don't get why my brain is wired that way. I know I can't be the only person. I guess that would be considered an eating disorder? Like I said, it only happens every few months. There have been points in my life where I have seriously thought about going to talk to a food counselor, but then I think I can do it on my own. Plenty of people do.
Speaking of fat, I got the DietBet going! It starts the 12th. You put $25 in the pot, and have to lose 4% of your body weight in a month. I think it is very doable. I failed at my last attempt. Totally would have made it, but Easter betrayed me. I didn't think about it, but the bet falls ends right after my birthday weekend.. Oh well, I will just have to work EXTRA hard. :)
Here's the link. Get to it!!
I mean you, why not lose weight while stealing people's money?
Do you ever just have things you want to say, but can't? Just because you have to save someone else from drama, or because it's easier just to be the bigger person. Sometimes I get really tired of being the bigger person. You try so hard to be a "people pleaser", but the truth is, people are going to think what they want anyways. So, for now on, I am going to do, act and say EXACTLY what I want. Why cater to someone who couldn't give two shits about your feelings?
I was put on this earth to please no one but myself. I am going to make myself, and my Dayton happy.
My face is retarded.
Like I said on IG, I haven't seen much of a change on the scale, but I see a change in inches. I think I probably owe that to working out.
Aslo for your viewing pleasure an awkward photo of me and my niece!
And on that note, I must bid you adieu.