There are days when I think that I feel like my goals are absolutely unattainable. There are days that its so bad, that I think, What's the point? Most of the time I convince myself that I am right. Every day is a struggle. Every. Freaking. Day. I don't ever imagine myself at my goal. Most of the time I look at the flat tummies and think, "Well, I will never look like that, so what IS the point?" And in reality, I won't ever look like that. I will have my loose skin. I will have stretchmarks. I question whether I will ever be comfortable in my own skin. I remember a time where I was, not too long ago. But, I forget that feeling. I forget how happy I was with my body. That it kept changing. I feel for every step forward, I take 5 steps backward. I hate that I can't get my shit under control. A huge factor that makes me think this, is because of how low my belly is. I can lose weight under the boobs ALL day long. But my lower belly doesn't budge. I HATE it, it makes me hate myself sometimes. When I was at my lowest weight, I was only 2 sizes smaller in pants. At an 70-80 lbs loss. Most people, when they lose that much weight, they lose about 4 sizes. I could wear an XL comfortably. I can still where an XL, just not AS loose. It would fit loose at the top, and just right on my belly. It's embarrassing. Not only for how it looks, but that I let myself get to this point. What in our lives goes so wrong that you just keep digging that hole? Until you're stuffed so tightly, that you can't move. You either slowly wiggle your way out, or you continue to bury yourself. Lately I have been feeling that the dirt is up to my mouth. Like I am suffocating. I'm suffocating with all of my negative thoughts towards myself. Suffocating with all of the stresses that come with it. I have felt emotionally defeated this past week. The littlest things have set me off into a crying fest. I am so tired of being dependent on food. I am so tired of letting food defeat me. It's like I get lost, and I don't know how to find my way back. And then when I do, I feel like I've strayed too far off path. And ugh, theres that hole again.
I know that it is possible to lose weight. I see it every day. I see it in such inspiring people. The crazy thing is, I've done it. But, I had a crutch. Of course, it wasn't mentally easy. But the weight fell off. Now that it doesn't, it messes with me. I want it more than anything. But then again, why don't I DO it. I am the only person that is stopping myself. I am the only one who can make my ass move. So, why? Why am I not moving my ass? Why am I not pushing through those cravings. It's not the end of the world if I don't get a piece of chocolate. So why do I FEEL like it is? WHY WHY WHY?
I have wasted many second chances. WAYYYY too many. It's starts with today, and it starts with me. I need to push with everything in me.
I need to remind myself every day, what I want the most. There is nothing to be afraid of. I will get there, I will push through all of my own negativity.