Today is just awful. I woke feeling horrible. Like one of those 60 lbs seems so far away days. I will never get there. Blah. Blah. Blah. Why do we have those days? Why do we have to have such strong random emotions? I literally wanted to cry all morning. Driving to work, I cussed every car that was in front of me. Mostly because I feel like I am literally the only person who knows how to drive. An old lady was driving on the wrong side of the road for a good 30 ft. I just wanted to stare at her. Like really? If you are that senile, you probably should have your license taken away.
Anyways, today I want to talk about self worth. And I am going to share some very personal experiences that have happened in my life. So be prepared.
When I was younger, I was molested by my father. I told no one. I felt that I needed to protect my dad. Kind of backwards don't you think? I felt that I was the only person that he had. I felt that I was the parent, that I had to take care of him. Its a very complicated situation. And is not easy for anyone to understand. I don't understand it most of the time. My father is now in prison, and will be for the good of 30 yrs. Do I hate my dad? No. Am I angry with him? I used to be. I still get sad. My thoughts have always been, why didn't he love me enough to not hurt me? Fathers are supposed to protect their daughters at all costs. Mine didn't. I didn't realize until after he went to jail how lost of a person he was. I didn't necessarily hurt for me. I hurt for him, and my mother. I hated that my mother felt blame for this. I hated that my dad had to go to prison. I know what they do to those type of people in jail. My heart was filled with so much hate, confusion, sadness, I was lost. Completely lost. I got to where I cried all day. Every day. I hated who I was. I was at the darkest place I had ever been. I would look for anything to fill the void that I had felt. I had absolutely no self worth. I would say that is where I gained the majority of my weight. When you go through a traumatic situation, you lose control. It took me a long time to pick myself up. It took me a long time to realize that I was okay. That this didn't define who I was. It would only build me.
I am sharing this with you because this is a HUGE part of my life. This is what has made who I am today. In a way, I am very thankful that I have been through something this heartbreaking. To know struggles, is to find strength. And that is exactly what I have done. I am no longer the person that I was 6 years ago. Everything that has happened in my life, has lead me to this exact moment. Yes, it was painful. It hurt worse than anything I could ever imagine. I still get upset. I still cry every now and then. But, the difference between then and now, is I know how strong I am. I know my self worth. Before, I was in denial. I didn't know what to do. I thought I was broken. That that was it, I wasn't going to be able to pick myself up again. No more happiness. But, I was wrong. Because, This too shall pass. No matter how hard, no matter how much it feels like you're going to "die". Everything happens for a reason, whether you believe it or not. Certain people are placed in your life for reasons you may not understand. They will hurt you, they will try and break you. It is how YOU deal with it, you control your life. YOU are the one that has to pick up your broken pieces, sure others can help, but the bulk of it has to come from you. You can punish yourself, blame yourself, but, that won't do any good. You didn't do this. You didn't choose for someone to hurt you. Especially someone you love, and trust. And chances are, your pain doesn't affect the other person.
I think the hardest part to come to terms with is walking away. Not with just you walking away, but with them walking away from you as well. Leaving is never easy. A heartache is never easy. Nothing is ever easy when your heart is involved. Its not supposed to be. It's supposed to bring you to the lowest of the low. So you can remember that you have to be your own hero. It's okay to lose yourself every now and then. It's okay to break down. Just remember to bring your compass.
And on that note, I must bid you adieu.