I have made extreme progress these past few weeks, eating wise.
I eat half of what I used to and I stop when I am full. Usually, if I put something on my plate, or go through the drive thru, I almost feel deprived if I don't eat the whole thing. It has nothing to do with wasting the food, or wasting the money that was spent on food. Its just the simple fact that food runs my life, and if I don't eat it all, I feel like something will be missing from me.
I can't tell you how many times I re-read my blogs. My thoughts are always, "Is this girl serious? IT'S JUST FOOD." I can only imagine the thoughts that some people have. I know how ridiculous it is. Believe me, I live it every single day.
I am my absolute own worst enemy. I criticize everything I do.
I self sabotage. Why?
Since I was young, I have felt that I was unworthy of love. I would like someone so much, and of course they wouldn't like me because of my weight. I remember in fourth grade I was absolutely in "love" with one of my best friends. We hung out constantly at school. We went on a field trip to a water park, and we were floating next to each other, 'flirting' of course. And I remember his sister and her friends saying how cute of a couple we would make, and right after they said that, he pushed my float away. (the me now would have throat punched him). I felt like he liked me, it was kinda obvious. So, I got one of our mutual friends to ask him. His response? "Yeah, but I would never go out with her because she's fat". Uhmmmmm well okayyyy. Dick.
This happened with literally every guy I liked. And hey, I get it. You're attracted to what you're attracted to. I'm not hating on people who don't want to date 'fat' people. But, jokes on you because fat people are hilarious.
In all seriousness, theres so many things that led to my "demise". Rejection after rejection and the abuse I endured slowly diminished my self esteem. No one wanted me any way, so why not just comfort myself with all the foods. It was almost like I was building a shield around myself. This person doesn't love me, but that Chicken Express sure does. In hind sight, its almost like I welcomed the rejection. Like I needed to constantly remind myself that I was 'unlovable'.
Life is so backwards. Why are we GLUTTONS for punishment? (see what I did there?)
When I met my husband, I couldn't believe that someone could love me that much. I still question it. It has absolutely nothing to do with him. He shows me every single day how much he loves me.
The issues is with me. I fight with myself every day. It is still so hard for me to except that someone could love me.
Now, if I were reading this from someone other than myself, I would slap them.
I can build my friends up when they are down. I can see the absolute good in them, even when they can't. When I try to see the good in myself, I always let the bad outweigh the good.
I have been holding onto so much for so long, I thought that I had learned to live with it.
This past month has taught me otherwise.
I had never talked about what happened to me because I felt complete shame. I felt that people would judge me because I "allowed" this to happen. I didn't want to burden anyone with my pain, or make it awkward for them. I felt sorry for other people.
I was the victim, and then became my own victim. Yes, I was abused. But no amount of pain that someone else can inflict on me, can amount to the pain I can inflict on myself.
I have felt every single emotion this past month. Going from completely fine to completely broken all within a months time is so confusing. The only thing I can think is that everything I have kept inside of me for all the years has been building and building, and finally it just exploded.
I am trying to be more open and honest, not only with myself but with everyone around me.
I am trying to understand that I am not a burden to those who love me.
That asking for help is okay.
That talking about it is okay.
That my abuse was not my fault, and I should let go of all this shame.
That I can love myself.
Finding self love is one of the most beneficial things you can do for yourself.
I didn't realize how free I could be. I still hold onto so much hurt, but I am learning to deal with It in healthier ways than binging on any and everything.
Like everything, it is going to take time. And like I have said before, when I want something I want it now. This can't and wont be the case. I am trying to accept that. I can give up like I always do, but look where that has gotten me.
I am more than a victim.
I am more than my weight.
I am more than my pain.
And I am more than worthy of love.
"It's not your fault and you aren't less than enough. You aren't what they did to you. You aren't the person that grew in all crooked and bent under the pressure of what happened to you. You aren't the awkwardness that came from being stepped on and over-pruned. You are the spirit that survived. You are the deep roots that continued to grow beneath the surface even when you were outwardly rejected. You are the life that went on despite being mowed over time and time again. You are the beauty that remained, waiting patiently for the right time to bloom. And now, because you held on even when the world turned away, your strength and compassion are the kind that know no end. You, my dear, are so much more than enough. You are exceptional-because you survived, because you beat the odds, because you are a warrior, a self-taught healer, and because now you have become a beacon of hope for others who suffered like you." Cristen Rodgers
And on that note, I must bid you adieu.