Aug 13, 2015

Getting over that hill.

The same ole' song and dance. Losing weight is hard. Always. No matter how you look at it.
"Just do it."
Oh okay, well since you put it that way, that makes it easy, right?
Its easier said than done.
You know that.
When you've never struggled with a food addiction, you don't know how hard it is. I wish that I could just pull up my big girl panties and deal with it.
But, the reality of it all, what is the reality? 
That I have to completely change the way that I have lived for 24 years. Yes, I've done it before. But, when you stop, its so much harder to get going again. Just like with running up a hill. You push through it, but if you stop, its so much hard to get started again.
I fell down to the bottom. The bottom of the longest steepest hill imaginable. 24 years of "learning" whether it was the right way to learn, or the wrong, its still hard to teach an old dog new tricks. When you've walked the same path all this time, taking a different turn isn't something you can "just do". My path is safe, figuratively. Not the healthiest, but it is my safe place.
I don't like to try new things. I have pallet that of a toddler. I hate veggies and fruits. I could eat Chik-fil-a every day of my life. And there are weeks that I have. Some days I get the healthy bug, but then I just go through a drive thru, like I completely forgot that I am supposed to be eating healthy. Its the norm. I have to break the norm. How do you do that? I feel like I have tried everything. Hell, I even tried surgery. And that failed. When you constantly fail at everything you do to change yourself, how do you fix it? I know what needs to be done, I know how to eat, I know what to eat. But I haven't the faintest clue on how to start again. I want to just get it together. I want to get my whole life together. It starts with me. I want to get over this hill. I want to do everything I can to become healthy. But, do I? I love myself, but I hate my body. I want to be able to be walk through a crowd and not rub up on someone with my belly. I want to not feel disgusting. I want to try again. For the millionth time, I want to try again. And to keep it going. I want to find the strength and willpower. How do you find it when you feel like you've never had it?
You, "Just do it".
And on that note, I bid you adieu.
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May 6, 2015

Letting go.(Not the frozen addition)

I have numerous fears. A lot of irrational fears. Especially since having Hudson.
I guess they can be called "Mommy Fears"
The other fears consist of dying, the death of a close one, and roaches.
I am pretty sure that I have already discussed fears before. I am too lazy to go back.
I realized the other day, I have another fear.
The fear of being Hungry.
I went to a Bariatric Counselor last week. We discussed my bariatric diet, well lack there of.
During this conversation she gave me a list of things that I should eat.
And that I should eat 5-6 times a day.
I asked, "What if I'm still hungry?"
She gave me a look and said, "And? What if you are, what is it to be hungry?"
For a fat person? Everything. It's like a painful emptiness.
Empty.
Then she told me the worst possible thing.
"You do not eat to satisfy hunger, you eat for nutrition."
Yeah, I know. Crazy thing I have ever heard too.
For 24 years, I have eaten to satisfy everything and anything.
I eat to satisfy hunger. I eat to satisfy anger, sadness, happiness, loneliness.. really all the ness'.


31 GIFs That Perfectly Express Your Feelings About Food






That news to me, is devastating.
I don't know how to eat for nutrition.
One part of my brain knows how, the other doesn't
Why can't they just be friends?
I know how to eat to satisfy the hunger.
In fact, I go one step further. I eat to over fill.


31 GIFs That Perfectly Express Your Feelings About Food




Why? I wish I knew. I wish I knew why.
And more than anything, I wish that I could change it over night.
I truly believe that food addiction is the worst addiction.
You need food to survive.
I love food. Next to my family and friends, food is my favorite.
Its my hobby.
Crafting and eating.

I want to know how to eat for nutrition. I need the push. I need to try.
I need to try for me and for my son.
I will try.
I want the feelings and drive I had last year.
Every day is a new day. Lets begin again.
I am letting go. Starting now.

And I'm closing it.

And on that note, I bid you adieu.  
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Oct 14, 2014

Why God gave us a boy.

I can't tell you how many times I have attempted to write this post.
I get in the middle of writing, something comes up, I stop, come back the next day. After re-reading what I had wrote, I delete it. It's a new day. I have umpteen new feelings.
One consistent feeling that I have been having over the past few weeks, is worry.
An instance happened, not in my life, but in an others, that really made me think.
ANYTHING can happen. It doesn't matter who, what, where, when or how, it can happen. I took it very personally, given the situation I am in.
This is the single most stressful thing I have ever gone through.
Growing a human is like something I could've never imagined.
I come up with all sorts of scenarios in my head. I won't share them, because I am sure someone would report me to the psych ward.
I worry that I don't feel him enough. I worry if I have a growing pain. I worry that I am leaking fluid. I worry that the cord is going to wrap around his neck. I worry every possible worry there is to worry about while pregnant.
When I was younger, people would ask "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Well, I honestly never knew. I came up with sonography. Why? Because one day, after I had surgery on my foot? Maybe? A lady had told me that her daughter had went to school for that. I think I was ten. After that day, I just rolled with it. I never WANTED to do it, it just sounded good. Then it became, a nurse, a day care owner, back to nurse, then teacher.
The one thing that I have ALWAYS, for certain, known is that I wanted to be a Mom.
That is truly all I have ever wanted. I wanted a girl. I wanted that bond that my mother and I have. I wanted to share that with a mini me. I wanted to show that little girl, all the love in the whole world. Teach her to be strong, teach her how to love without boundaries, teach her how to be independant. All my life, it has been my mother and I. My mother and father didn't get a divorce until I was about 9-10ish. Even then, he was never around. He was at work, and when he wasn't there, he was sleeping.
After everything happened with him, I felt that I was better off.
After looking back at my childhood, I realized that my mom, was in fact, my mother and my father. She was what held me. She supported me, in every way. I think that has made me the woman that I am today. I didn't NEED my father. I didn't NEED a man to support me. For the longest time, I would always think, if I had a baby right now, I would raise her on my own. Because you don't NEED a father figure. Because I didn't NEED my father, he wasn't there for me. My MOTHER taught me.
I honestly never thought I would get married. I don't know why. Just never did.
Now that I have grown up, I see things in a different light.
Up until last year, I wanted a girl. More than anything.
And then, Sara had Kynlee.
My heart changed. I was supposed to have the girl, she the boy. And they were supposed to get married.
Now, that would be considered incest.
I don't know why my heart changed.
But, I do know this.
God gave me this boy.
To raise him into a man. A man that will know right from wrong.
That will be a gentleman.
That will take care of all of those who enter his life.
To never hurt nor neglect his family.
To love without boundaries.
To put others first.
To be just like HIS daddy.
The way a man is supposed to be.


He's not even here yet, and the love I have for him, is greater than anything I have ever felt.
Every ache is worth it.
Every kick, every flutter, every other weird feeling I have in my stomach, is the greatest feeling.
I am who he counts on. From 24 weeks ago, for the rest of my life.






And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

 



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Sep 5, 2014

Something I haven't done in a while.

I don't even remember the last time I blogged. I suppose I could go back and look, but who has time for that? Blogging used to be something that I look forward to everyday. And now, I look forward to it in several months. I miss it. But, I feel as if I have nothing to talk about any more. I'm not out there trying to lose weight. People want to see progress, the only progress I have to give is about the baby in the belly. Which to me, is FANTASTIC.
I have lost about 20 plus (?) followers on instagram since becoming pregnant. I get it, people want someone they can relate to. Well, I would like to brand those people "fair weather followers". Hey, if you don't want to see how amazing my child is going to be, get to stepping. :) 

Which brings us to some updates. 
I think last time I had let everyone know that I had a cyst, and the doctor was monitoring me at every appointment to make sure it didn't grow. 
At my last appointment, the cyst went from a whopping 10 cm to a slightly smaller 8 cm. We of course are all very pleased with this. Hopefully next time, it will be even less.
At this particular appointment, the 3 lovely great grandmothers came. We had planned out to have a gender reveal, and those 3 were the ones that were going to find out. Don't even get me started on those 3. Those three are the most amazing women on this planet. (Besides the moms). They do anything and everything for us, and have gone above and BEYOND anything we could ever imagine these past couple of months. I am FOREVER grateful for them. Baby Holland has no clue how loved he is going to be. 
ANYWHO, back to the appointment. The doc pulled the sono screen away from Dayton and I, she searched for a little bit, and then said. "I won't be able to tell what the baby is today. It's knees are up, legs crossed, and it's sitting on it's feet". I was absolutely divested. For a number of reasons. 
1. We had already sent invitations. (Luckily it was also "reception" for us as well)
2. I didn't get to see my baby but for maybe 10 seconds? Heard the heartbeat for 5. I had waited five weeks for this appointment. I was ready to marvel at the beautiful creation that was growing in my belly. 
3. I felt like the doc didn't try. Like it wasn't important to her. Maybe she was in a hurry, I work with docs, I know how they can be. 
4. I discovered my child is a turd. 
5. My next appointment would be in FIVE more weeks. The doc had something to do the week I was set to come back, so we had to push it to the next week. That probable killed me the most. 

So we leave, I cry and cry all damn day. 
The next day while, I called and asked Dayton if we could please get another sonogram somewhere else. Because, lets face it, I am a brat. (Only Child Syndrome) 
He finally says yes. 
I arrive first, and get ready. 
The lady places the machine on my belly and BAM. She knows what the turd is. She waits to tell me until Dayton arrives. 

It was the hardest less than a week of my life. We kept the surprise to ourselves. No one knew we even had a sono. It was almost crippling not to be able to tell anyone. My best friend was like lets just go do another sono, I had to be like no no... YUP, didn't even tell my BEST friend. My granny texts me right after the sono, "Are you okay Darling?" The Darling got me. I wanted to pick up the phone immediately and be like OMG ITS A......
But, I refrained. I am super proud of myself. 
We did the reception as planned. 
At the very end, we opened presents. As I was opening the last present, I asked for everyones attention. Gave my big ol' lovely speech. And popped open the box. 
Out came...


WE ARE HAVING A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!
And couldn't be any happier about it!
It's a good thing too, cuz I had already bought boy stuff, long before we knew.


 This was how ecstatic my Granny was. I LOVE this.
This baby boy is going to be the most loved baby boy in the whole world.





Nothing in this world makes me happier than knowing I have this little guy to look forward too. He moves constantly, I feel his little kicks throughout the day, and it makes me complete.
I can't imagine the feeling that I will get when he is born. But, I know that nothing can ever touch it. He is our first, our boy, and the greatest thing to ever happen to us.




I am surprised that I am actually getting a "bump".
I am 18 weeks. Starts a new week every Tuesday. ALMOST half way there!
I have fluctuated with weight. On my worst day, I have gained 5 lbs. But, mostly it has just been 2. I am extremely happy with that.
With all the emotions I have, it is hard not to be down on myself. I know I am growing a human in my belly, I will gain weight. Its inevitable. Most of it is in my head. I feel huge.
But, I know its for a good cause.


And on that note, I must bid you adieu.

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Jul 2, 2014

Reflection.

It's clearly no surprise that I haven't been here in a while. Of course I have thought about it, blogging had become such a big part in my life. And now, just 9 short weeks ago, my life changed from losing weight, to trying to maintain my weight with a baby inside of me. I have done that, I haven't gained any weight. When I was going on my crazy emotional kick, I put on about 5 lbs. But since those 5 lbs, I have been holding steady. I am hoping that 300 doesn't happen. 
I guess I can update you on how I feel. 
I am nauseated. EVERY second of EVERY day. I don't throw up. I have never been one to throw up. My body will feel like it, but then I guess it changes its mind. I get tired occasionally. Like any normal person. Other than those two things, I feel amazing. I am happy. Like I was meant to do this whole pregnancy thing. I for sure thought I was going to be an emotional wreck, and who knows, I still could be. I mean I cry at country songs, but that's just because they make me think about how much I love Dayton. So other than crying over country tunes, I have felt great. I don't get as agitated like I used to. Which, if you know me, you know that I freaking lose it half the time. Between mine and Dayton's anxiety, this kid is doomed. 



Week 3 and Week 9
No difference, I don't think at least.

I am obsessed with looking up plus size pregnancy pictures.
Some people will post pictures of them at 6 weeks.
Uhm, you are about 300 lbs, your little blueberry is not gonna make you show at 6 weeks.

Speaking of a little blueberry.


This is Doodle Holland.
The sonogram was on 6/16/2014
When I was 7 weeks.
Heartbeat was about 160-170. We weren't able to hear it, but we could sure see that sucker go.
At the appointment, we found out that I have a cyst on my right ovary.
She said the norm is about 3 cm. Mine is 10.
She wasn't too concerned about it, so I am trying not to be either. She said that usually when the placenta grows more, it will lean on the cyst and pop it. When I told her that I wasn't in pain, she was very surprised. She wants to keep an eye on it, so I go back on the 14th, and get another sono. Until we figure out whats up, no heavy lifting, extraneous activities or working out.


Now, time for my reflection.
Two years ago, on July 10th? Maybe.
Was my Gastric Sleeve surgery. It feels like it has been years. I got a little emotional thinking about it. That surgery was supposed to change my life forever. And like everything else, I prevented it from happening. Why? Because I have an addiction. Food makes me feel every emotion under the sun. I hate that I failed myself. Yes, I did go a long way. 75 lbs is a HUGE loss. But, as they always say, comparison will be the death of you. One of my closest friends got the surgery. And she still looks amazing. I had more to lose than her, but she kicked fats ass. She even had a baby, and is still rocking it. And I'm over here, being all fat. I don't doubt that the surgery changed my life. It gave me confidence. Confidence I never knew could exist. I became a different person. A stronger version of myself. I wish that I would have let myself continue on the path that I was going on. I ate right, I ate the amount that I should. And then I just stopped. For no reason at all. Maybe subconsciously I thought I've come this far, I'll continue to lose it. I still didn't eat a lot. But, I didn't realize it was what I was eating that was getting me. I also started going out more, and drinking a lot. Empty calories. I believe that all of that contributed to my failure. I say I would do it again in a heartbeat, because I would. BUT, I would get that counseling that I was warned about. You can take the girl out of the fat, but you can't take the fat out of the girl. I believe being fat is 100% emotional for me. I can work my ass off, I've done it a million times, but, its the before and after work outs. I hear so many people say, "oh, you wont want to eat bad after you work out". Lies. I want to eat bad even when I don't want to eat bad. It's a fall back. I feel like I will miss out on food. Like that food will never be made again, and it is my absolute last chance to ever eat it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I am telling you, that is how I feel. My mind is completely altered. I pray that after this baby, that I will be able to get back on track, to eat right, and get to my healthy point. I don't want my child growing up with the same issues that I have had since I can remember. Lead by example. I can't expect for my child to be healthy and not get fat, when I am fat and not healthy. It is going to be an even longer process now, and I THINK I am ready for it. 
I am going to focus on my pregnancy, and then after, being a #fitmom. 


And on that note, I must bid you adieu.  
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Jun 11, 2014

Not so Weigh-in Wednesday

Obviously I am not going to do weigh-in Wednesdays any more. I would prefer not to torture myself while I am already an emotional wreck. I have been thinking of new things. My blog is taking a turning point. It will no longer be about ME and my weightloss journey. For the time being, it's about little doodle, and what I can do to keep US healthy, what cool things I can find on pinterest, and me dreaming of the day I find out what 'it' is. We desperately want a boy. I used to only want girls. The bond that my mom and I share is something special. I wanted that first, I wanted for my daughter to know how that feels. Of course, I still want that. I just want it after my boy. :) Two of my SILs would like for it to be a girl. Which would be amazingly cute. Each one of them have a girl, Queen Abee and Princess Kynlee. The babies will have almost the same age difference, about 15 months. Abee being the oldest. So you can imagine how precious all the matching will be. BUT, I still want a boy. 


Back to the blog. I want to re-vamp that whole thing. Re-name and re-focus.After the baby is born, I want to of course get back on track, I will have more to lose (hopefully not that much more). Doodle will of course make a daily appearance. I want it to be focused on a wife, a mother, and the weightloss. 

Now that Hubby Jack has hung up his hat, I will have to find a new blog designer. Or maybe do it myself. Hopefully it won't be too too ghetto ;)

I am not sure when this is going to happen, but, when you see a new name, just know it's still me. Just added focuses..   

There is a possibility that doodle could be twins. It runs in the family. When my aunt was pregnant the first time, it was twins. She unfortunately lost them. When my mother went in for a procedure, she had two eggs, which would have turned into twins.
I am hoping that it will skip a generation. But, you never know. One of my closest friends is having twins. She is super excited.
I would just be in a huge state of shock for about 8 months.

My very first appointment is Monday. We will know if there is one or two, and just how far I actually am. Fingers crossed its further than what I think I am. :)

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.
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Jun 10, 2014

Life Changing Events.

So much has happened in the past three weeks. I'm talking life changing events.
You already know about my engagement. Well, shortly after the ring came in the picture, and I mean VERY shortly after, something amazing happened. My last few blogs have been a little, I guess you would call it, "emotional". And I was feeling every bit of it, every day. Crying for no reason, just getting upset at the stupidest things. I am a pretty emotional person, but not THAT emotional. I knew something was up. And then, I started to cramp about a week before Aunt Flo was scheduled to come around. I do not cramp before. The day of, throughout, and then it stops. So, another strange thing happening. There are a few other things, but I don't want to gross anyone out. 
I decided to take a test. If you know me, I am a VERY impatient person. I do not like to wait. I took a test, WAYYY to early, nothing. The next day, STILL early, I take another one. 



This comes out. I know what you're thinking, uhmm theres nothing there. Well, if you take out your magnifying glass, put on your contacts, your glasses, find your monocle, and squint really hard, you will see that there is the faintest little pink line, right next to the darker one.
I honestly thought it was my eyes playing tricks on me. That they were mirroring the darker line. I ran and woke Dayton up. He of course, didn't believe that it was possible. I had to show him (on the Internet of course) that a faint line, is in fact a positive. I literally took a test EVERY day until Flo was supposed to come in. And, every day, the line got darker and darker.




6-7 tests later, after this big ol' fat positive, we were pretty sure. I had already been looking up plus size pregnancies. Because of course I am worried about my weight. What it can do to me, and the baby. I know the risks.

As you all know, I wanted to drop my weight before I got pregnant. I didn't want to be this huge pregnant girl, where you can't even tell I'm 7 months pregnant. I wanted the cute little belly bump. But, as everyone knows. God works in mysterious ways. He decided that Dayton and I needed little doodle in our lives. I couldn't be happier. Yes, I would prefer to be about 70 lbs lighter. All I can do, is focus on not putting on a ton of weight. And when doodle arrives, I can focus on getting the "Baby Weight" off, and THEN some.
It's absolutely crazy how things work out. I get engaged, and find out that we are having a baby all in the same week.




After discussing our options, and one full day of me looking up wedding venues for next year, we decided that the JP would be the best option for us. Spending $10,000 or more that we don't have, on a wedding, just didn't seem logical.
I would much rather spend the money on our baby.
We got our marriage license last Monday, and set up to be married for the following Monday. We didn't get married because of the baby, we just pushed it, because of the baby. It makes sense to us. We both agreed that having the same last name on everything, would just make our lives easier. I didn't want to stress about anything. I just want a smooth pregnancy.
Plus, I get to marry my best friend.
We are starting a family. Having a REAL baby, not just a fur baby. They are being super sweet lately. Ace is cuddling a lot more, I wonder if he senses changes?

Monday, June 9, 2014 at 1:00 PM, we got married.
It was very simple. Just the family was there.
We took pictures, talked, and then had the "ceremony".
The JP asked if we would prefer the short version or the long. I chose the long. My Grandpa wanted to hear us, when they got married at the JP, they chose the short version. In the short version, you don't exchange rings or anything.






After we said our goodbyes to everyone, we took a stroll downstairs to the clerks office to get our license.
They. Freaking. Lost. It.
I have been married for 5 seconds, and you lose the most important thing?!?
I had to sit down, I didn't want to go all cray on them in a courthouse..
They figured out what had happened. They gave it to some boy who had just gotten his birth certificate. Now, how you confuse an envelope that CLEARLY states "Marriage License", with WEDDING bells on it, I will never know. Luckily, the boy was still there.
We then proceeded to the SS office to change my name. The boy was also there.
We went to the DPS to get my drivers license changed as well. The boy was also there.



The first 'selfie' as Husband and Wife.

After running all of our errands, we went to Dickey's BBQ to eat. I know. Classiest wedding EVER.
It may not have been the "Ideal" thing to do, but, it was perfect to me.
And we ended that perfect night with a Rangers Game.
Even though they lost, MISERABLY, I still had a blast.
The crowd was amped, it just felt like so much positive energy everywhere.




Now, I am a wife and soon to be mother.
There is nothing in this world that I would rather be. There is no place in the world that I would rather be. I have found the one whom my soul loves.

And on that note, I must bid you adieu.


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